how to deal

hey guys, so im having one eventful summer. i can now officially say that i've had one serious mental breakdown in my life. i got sick last wednesday and asked justin to drive my car down to sd since they were planning on going down for rolando's bbq. so i've been at home in san diego..still sick. i went to the er last sunday because seriously wtf, why am i still having a fever. i take tylenol every four hours, i drink liquids a lot, and this fever wont budge, and i got the best of me. many of you know how paranoid i am when it comes to my health. so i dont know if i was just being paranoid or whatever but i couldnt breathe saturday night. i didnt want to wake up my mom coz i thought i was having an anxiety attack. so luckily my bro is still up and i ask him to check my vitals. my bp is normal, my heart and lungs sound normal, just my heart rate is high..as if im jogging. but he helps me relax and i finally finally go to sleep. but before heading back to irvine i wanted to get check so off we go to er and everything is fine. but i still have a fever. so joseph comes over to hang out with me before i have to leave and im weak as fuck. so my mom and dad are going to drop me off since i cant drive...but then i ask to just leave monday morning. and when my mom said that its better we drop you off so you dont have to drive...i crack.

i fucking seriously and honestly cracked. i started crying a waterfall right then and there and i couldnt stop. and my parents were so worried and kept saying whats wrong, what happened. i couldnt even speak because i was crying soooooo hard. and when my mom started raising her voice asking heidi whats wrong? i mustered all i could to say "im tired." and thats it. i just cried and cried and cried. keep in mind i NEVER cry and NEVER have shown this type of emotion to my parents. it was so bad that i couldnt breathe well and my body started to numb. i sorta just fell onto my bed and cried.

i'd tell you all what happened next but its just too long and embarrassing of a story. all i could leave you with is that im not taking summer session 2 right now because my parents have concluded i need a break. i mean ive never had a summer during my college career..never. aannnd, they dont want me to finish in december but just to ride out the whole 5th year. aaannnd they made me take a leave of absence from my internship program at hoag till i return in september.

so here i am, at home finally having some sort of a break. but ive been too weak to do anything. my appetite has been gone for awhile and i try to force feed myself but i just feel like throwing up. my fever is gone, but sometimes at night i get a low fever. ive been able to eat a little here and there and my energy is slowly coming back. ive been doing nothing but just trying to relax. my mom thinks im depressed, and sometimes i think shes right. sometimes i think shes wrong. idk. ive been falling asleep in my backyard because i get nauseous and tired of being inside my room all day for almost a week. and aiko has been my best friend. she falls asleep on my lap. my mom took a picture of us earlier in the week before my mental breakdown. ill post it up sometime later.

i wasnt going to share this but then i didnt want to have to explain this story more than once. so basically all my shit is still in vdc. i dont even want to think about paying august rent coz it will just stress me. but anyways, theres one hell of an update for you. and im ok, so dont worry. but my sister did come up to me after my parents left my room that night...she asked " do you miss sylvia or stef or something?" and i asked her why she asked me that, and she said because joseph told her that i told him being in college is different when your peers..the ones that know you best, arent around to pick you up or relate to you. and shes right. even though theres a few of us still around, i dont live with them. and its different.

but whatever, im tired. HA!